Some years back, Now Husband Dan acquired, in a very interesting and not-for-public consumption way, a much-larger-than life-size exact replica of the head of Pope John Paul II. The sculptor was a friend of his. We are neither Catholic nor Big Head collectors. For this reason,the larger-than-life-size likeness of a deceased pope’s head didn’t fit into our current art collection. I already have a portrait I did of my daughter, and against all wisdom, I painted something larger-than-life. After it was completed, I understood why portraits shouldn’t be larger-than-life. It’s sort of creepy, unless you live in a palace. Which I don’t.
So John Paul 2 has been relegated to the top shelf of the guest bedroom bookcase, where he has been, for the last few years, staring at overseeing being oblivious to the sexual antics of our various houseguests.
But then, recently, John Paul was beatified. When I heard the news, I ran into NHD’s study, where he was lying on the futon, sleeping in front of McHale’s Navy reruns.
“John Paul has been beatified!” I yelled. “And you are sleeping with your mouth open!”
“Why is this important?” NHD woke up and answered. I didn’t know whether he was referring to the pope or to his mouth.
I decided to ignore the realization that I was married to an open mouthed, drooling, napper. “Time to sell the pope! Quick! Beatification leads to sainthood! We have gold sitting on the top shelf of our guestroom bookcase! “
“Who would want the pope?” NHD asked. “And why is there drool on my shirt?”
“Listen! We have a small window of opportunity, here. We have to sell NOW!”
“Why the rush?” NHD asked. Maybe we should wait until he is actually declared a saint.”
“You would think so,” I answered, “but maybe it’s like a marriage ceremony. Maybe right before they do the saint thing,they ask if anyone knows why he shouldn’t be named a saint and one of the cardinals leaps up and shouts, ‘JP2 and I blah-blah-blah back in ’63 and the cops promised it wouldn’t be on our record if we returned the elephant to the zoo’ and what then? That just happened on ‘General Hospital’ and the wedding almost didn’t happen.”
“What happened? “
“Carly tried to stop the wedding between Sonny and Brenda but their love was too strong and so they got married anyway but then the limo blew up with Brenda in it. Why are we talking about this? We are supposed to be talking about selling the pope!”
“Did Brenda die?” I started to answer NHD, then reminded myself that he didn’t care about Brenda’s welfare to the extent I did. He was merely trying to distract me. I stood firm in keeping the conversation focused on selling PJP2. NHD agreed to pursue possibilities. We are now waiting for a call from a dealer to find out how much the Pope’s head might be worth.
Meanwhile, if any of you have connections at the Vatican or to wealthy collectors of religious art, please pass this on. Oh, and tell them, I’m not exactly sure but I might have seen a tear coming from one of John Paul’s eyes. Just a thought. I could be wrong. But maybe not.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
planejaner
May 26, 2011
let’s start the bidding! Or…you could send the head of the pope to all your blogging buddies–and they could take him on tours of their towns…
creepy weird–but awesome. Am I right?
you know I am.
John Paul visits the Space Needle! John Paul gets hit by a flying fish at the Pike Place Market!
🙂
blessings
jane
lifeintheboomerlane
May 26, 2011
Oh, you are so bad and so funny. I don’t want to offend anyone. Can we do this?
writerwoman61
May 26, 2011
I like Jane’s idea, but postage might be pretty expensive…
I love the idea of him keeping an eye on your guests…
Wendy
Mrs. H.
May 26, 2011
Haha, oh wow–this is just too damn funny. Selling the pope’s head sounds like a perfectly reasonable decision to me…and I’m Catholic. So I speak for all Catholics everywhere. (Er…maybe I don’t…I’m kind of a bad-girl Catholic…lol.) But, seriously, you could really make some quick cash on something like that–I know that if my (so super-Sicilian) grandma were still alive, she’d be all over something like that. I can practically hear her now. “Mandy!! Don’t pass this up! I met him once when he toured St. Louis! Buy the nice lady’s giant pope head!!!” (So sayeth the voice of Grandma in my head…the voice of the woman who saved all of the memorabilia from the time she went and saw the Pope Mobile drive through St. Louis. After she died, we had to make some tough decisions about old newspapers, cardboard fans with a portrait of the Pope on them, plastic figurines that contained papally blessed holy water.) Do someone’s grandma a favor: sell it! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
May 26, 2011
Ah, I wish Grandma were still here and had a boatload of money!
SisterMerryHellish
May 26, 2011
Is it crying oil, blood or holy water. Those are three very different price ranges if you intent to hock in instead of building a shrine and a website and selling tickets to believers who show up at your door night and day wanting to see the Miracle in the Boomer Lane!
carldagostino
May 26, 2011
When the first JP died after a month I had precognition that the new one would call himself JP2. Well there you have it and I have not gotten any prediction right since. Unless of course you accept my prediction that I will not have a single number of the six when they draw the numbers Saturday night.
Kathryn McCullough
May 26, 2011
What a hoot! Love the wonderful, wicked irreverence of it all. I would definitely sell, but then I’m nuts, so how seriously can you take my recommendation–right?!
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
May 26, 2011
I love you.
Hippie Cahier
May 26, 2011
What a cliffhanger! Did Carly and Sonny return the elephant to the zoo?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 26, 2011
No, the elephant was part of the pope’s story. Carly and Sonny used to be married (twice) but then Brenda came back, and Sonny asked her to marry him and of course Carly hates Brenda and she tried to stop the wedding by telling everyone that Brenda had a child with Sonny’s son which wasn’t true anyway (the son, not the child) so they got married but then the child’s grandfather blew up the limo. Just an average day in Soapland. My grandfather had his downside, but he never blew anything up. I think.
The Hipster
May 27, 2011
Fascinating. I still think it’d be a better story with a pilfered elephant. 😉
Hippie Cahier
May 27, 2011
Ugh….why does it keep going back to the old blog? Why? WHY?!?!?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 27, 2011
???
Carole Marshall
May 26, 2011
Hey, you don’t have to be catholic to want it.
Look at all those Buddahs staring out unseeing at yoga mats, I don’t think those people bulging out of their leotards are ALL followers. Could start a trend, just saying! Failing that, surely someone will want him for a garden ornament?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 26, 2011
Hey Carole, thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. Great (and funny) analogy about the yoga classes and Buddah!
Amy
May 26, 2011
Wait. The Pope was on General Hospital?
You might get more money for it if you turn it into a lamp. People love those little glowing Jesus night-lights. Imagine a whole glowing Pope head.
Lunar Euphoria
May 27, 2011
Ok, but back to being married to an open mouthed, drooling, napper…
Maybe both our husbands need WWJBD? training.
huffygirl
May 27, 2011
Hilarious – both that you HAVE the head of the Pope, and how you wrote about it. Wish I had one …but I’m not buying yours 😉
lifeintheboomerlane
May 27, 2011
Hey, thanks for visiting my alternate universe and sharing your thoughts. I must think of something creative to do with JP2 while I await a wealthy purchaser.
deliriouslydivine
May 27, 2011
I like an earlier suggestion of JP2 as a garden ornament.. Can you paint his hat red and give him a little gnome cape?
lifeintheboomerlane
May 27, 2011
He does wear a little Santa cap for the holidays. OK, I’m going to have to come up with something creative.
Emily Jane
May 27, 2011
“We are neither Catholic nor Big Head collectors” made me almost spit out my orange juice 🙂
omawarisan
May 29, 2011
Sell!
Strike while the mitre is hot.
First time that last sentence has ever been written.
izziedarling
May 29, 2011
I think you need to hang on until sainthood is bestowed. This is hilarious. Had no idea McHale’s Navy was still on tv. Good grief! My dad has a life size painting of John Wayne. If you want, we can sell them as a pair. A pair of …. Big Heads? You decide.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 30, 2011
I shudder to even think of a life-size painting of John Wayne.
The Good Greatsby
May 30, 2011
The head of John Paul II would be the ultimate white elephant gift.
Mark Kaplowitz
May 30, 2011
Reminds me of that segment from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, “The Most Awful Family in Britain,” where we see Mr. Garibaldi eating a packet of ‘Ano-Weet,’ and on the back of the packet in big letters it reads ‘Free Inside – The Pope ‘+ Demonstration Record’.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 30, 2011
Hilarious. Hey, thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and commenting!
territerri
May 30, 2011
Don’t sell him! Think of the long term profits if you keep him instead. Spread the word of his healing powers. Charge believers to come visit your guest bedroom and receive a miracle from big-headed PJP2. They’ll be lining up outside your home.
You need to be business minded about this deal! 🙂
Susan
May 31, 2011
Fahget about the Pope. I want to know about Brenda and Sonny . . . hmm, whatever happened to Luke and Laura?
I’ll give you two bucks and two cuffs for PJP2. Now THAT is a real deal if you ask me.
lifeintheboomerlane
May 31, 2011
Luke’s off to rehab. Laura is MIA. Sonny continues to be a loveable killer mafioso. Brenda found her real son (not the fake one she had for awhile). Cuffs. Feh.