(The following is the 11th in my series, “Old Posts to Dredge out on Slow Weekends Because When I Posted Them Originally People Cared More About the Economy and World Peace Than My Blog.” This one, though, was actually my first Freshly Pressed post, so a lot of people did see it.)
I have a GPS in my car. I got it back in 2001, because there is no GPS in my head. There is not even a G. There is nothing in whatever spot is supposed to hold some sense of direction. To really run the analogy into the ground, this means I have no G spot.
I would like to think that the empty space is taken up by impeccable taste. But impeccable taste has never gotten me from Point A to Point B. I have many stories to tell about what happens to me when I try to get from Point A to Point B without the aid of a GPS, a gas station attendant, a random person on the street, or a cell phone. Sometimes, all four items are utilized.
The system my GPS uses is the same as the one Mapquest uses. This involves some kind of satellite up in space that knows where I am and will guide me to where I want to go. There is allegedly something else up there that does exactly the same thing, but the GPS satellite doesn’t have a lot of churches devoted to it and I don’t have to spend time there on weekends.
Sometimes, my GPS has a life of her own, independent of the satellite. Several years ago, on a trip to see my aunt who lives north of Philadelphia, I was directed to leave the highway 34 miles south the actual city. Don’t ask me why I blindly followed this idiotic command. It was most likely because I was distracted by eating ice cream directly out of the container, a pastime I enjoy while driving. (Another pastime I enjoy while on the road is having my ice cream-coated hands stick to the steering wheel.)
On the directions from the GPS, I wove my way around a never-ending succession of suburban neighborhoods, and told myself it was actually a clever shortcut. I was finally taken into the city via one of these secondary roads, and spent the better part of an hour, as the sun set, following trolley tracks. The route was one that I normally would have chosen to take only if I were unconscious and tied up in the back seat and someone else were navigating. I could have sworn that I had inadvertently pushed the button on the navigation system that said “Most Use of Package Liquor Stores and Check Cashing Emporiums” instead of “Most Use of Paved Roads.”
In addition to playing fast and loose with routes, The GPS Lady has other personality quirks. She is wont to lose patience with me. If I ignore her direction, she will issue the same exact instruction in a louder voice. I am not making this up. After the third time, in which the decibel level is deafening, if I am still defying her, she will go silent on me. To my knowledge, I have the only passive aggressive GPS Person I know of. She will only resume talking to me if I apologize. A friend of mine has a man in his GPS, with an English accent. He isn’t passive aggressive at all. Brits are so much more civilized.
My GPS will often tell me to make a right turn and then, after I do, she will tell me to make a U turn. She will ask me to make left turns on big, interstate highways. She will issue a scary warning like “Move to the left to avoid the area closed to vehicular traffic” when all I see is the road and cars and everything seems to be just fine. And lastly, she will chirp “You have arrived!” when I am still en route. I am afraid to tell her I haven’t technically arrived because I feel like she is doing the best she can do and I don’t want to let her down or have her yell at me.
For now, my GPS is what (who) I have and I am committed to her, until something better comes along (Don’t tell her I said that, please). I will await the next technological innovation from the Folks Who Bring Us Technological Innovations Faster Than We Can Learn To Use Them to Screw Ourselves Up. My trump card is always that I am a kind, inoffensive, older woman who I believe anyone would want to help. Oh, yes, I also have impeccable taste. That should count for something.
*****
Check out my new Blogger of the Week!
Marion Driessen
February 10, 2012
OMG I’m chuckling uncontrollably and can’t stop laughing. Double like this post.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 10, 2012
Double thanks, Marion!
rarazill
February 14, 2012
^^
Kathryn McCullough
February 10, 2012
I can see why this one was FPed. Too, too funny–especially for someone like me who is directionally challenged–chronically so–almost, but not yet, terminally so.
Hugs,
Kathy
k8edid
February 10, 2012
I love it – I don’t own a GPS, except well, my phone has one, I think but it never works. I recently followed a co-worker who had one. We were going to a funeral. We went everywhere BUT the funeral.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 10, 2012
I think I was going to the same funeral with the same GPS.
Travel Spirit
February 10, 2012
I must have have the same GPS lady…she raises her voice at me also. My husband is in charge of the passive aggressive behavior!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 10, 2012
I’m glad you said that. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them.
The Byronic Man
February 10, 2012
We don’t have a GPS in the car, so any time we use one (either in a rental car, or on the iPad) I sit there shaking my head at this magical creature who can see the world. Or most of it.
Betty Londergan
February 10, 2012
Dear Fellow Directionally Challenged Person (I like to use this moniker, instead of the pejorative “map-idiot”) As someone who is similarly missing an internal GPS and apparently a g-spot as well … I feel your pain. Unfortunately, I am also so averse to being told what to do that I have never had a GPS in my car… probably because I know I would punch its lights out when it led me down the garden path (that would not be describing north Philadelphia, as you know). However, I am now totally & happily co-dependent on my i-phone which is superb at directing me to my destination, although I often swerve across four lanes of traffic trying to figure out where the bouncing blue ball is leading me. Oh well…
Your post made me laugh out loud … truly, not in the fake LOL world… and that is such a gift on a Friday. Can’t wait to check out Any Shiny Thing — happy weekend, Renee!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 10, 2012
You are most welcome, Betty. Yes, the tour I took of North Philly wasn’t anything that would be found in Frommers. In fact, there could be a book called “Off the Beaten Track: GPS Adventures in the Cities of the US.”
John
February 10, 2012
I use the British lady. We call her Helen.
georgettesullins
February 10, 2012
My beautiful 85 yr. old mother reported to everyone when we got to our destination “The GPS saved our lives.” I like to think the G part of it was me, or did i really send her into a panic? My GPS has an American voice, is a woman and is always “searching satellite”. Great post.
pegoleg
February 10, 2012
We named our GPS Gypsy. at first I think my hubby had a bit of a thing for her seductive voice. I could tell him I KNEW the road deadended ahead, but if gypsy said go straight, that’s where we went.
So now you’re a sweet, little old lady? Riiiiigggght.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 10, 2012
Watch your husband. It’s a slippery slope. Yes, I’m a SSOL (Short, Sweet Old Lady) in limited situations.
nrhatch
February 10, 2012
This reminds me of a joke . . . the joke is politically incorrect, relying as it does on sexist stereotypes and characterizations to elicit laughter and tickle funny bone chakras.
Nevertheless, it makes me laugh out loud every time it enters my stream of consciousness.
So, I’m going to share it with you here, knowing that you may condemn both the joke and me to your cyber wastebasket.
What do you get when you combine GPS with PMS???
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A crazy bitch who’ll find you. 😀
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 11, 2012
I love it.
murr brewster
February 11, 2012
I don’t have a GPS (or a cell phone, for that matter), but I make up for it by forgetting where it was I wanted to go in the first place, so I’m never really lost, even though I’m sometimes miles away from home for no reason I can think of. I should probably worry.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 11, 2012
You’re one funny woman (and scathing, at times, to those who deserve it) Murr. You should consider writing a blog. I’d become a devoted fan.
Walker Thornton
February 11, 2012
Love it, specially the bit about your G…spot. This just affirms that I don’t want a GPS.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2012
Thanks, Walker. Yes, the GPS has ruined my life on several occasions. But so has the hunt for my G spot.
notquiteold
February 11, 2012
I love it when my GPS lady tells me “You have arrived!” I have indeed. I am quite the success!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2012
Ditto!
tanoshinde
February 13, 2012
We, too, have a passive-aggressive GPS who yells at us. She also has a penchant for issuing left-turn orders.
I have a sense of direction, but my better half doesn’t. However, because my sense of direction is absolute and tends to prevent me from memorizing the names of roads, and also because my attention span is really quite short, I give horrible, horrible, horrible directions. Thus, the GPS is our constant companion, and sometimes she and I get into arguments about which route to take and whether or not turning left across six lanes of traffic without a light is, in fact, actually wise.
I am convinced that she hates me and/or is a sadist.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2012
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and for your comments. I feel like inviting you to lunch so we can talk about all this. My GPS will routinely tell me to make a left turn when I am on the highway. Also, there is one particular exit on I 66 that she has backward. Every friggin’ time. Can use of the GPS give one an anxiety attack?
tanoshinde
February 13, 2012
You’re welcome! I’ve enjoyed it quite a bit thus far. Your sense of humor is really quite fun!
My GPS has definitely caused me to have at least one anxiety attack, in Saint Louis last summer, as she shouted ever-more insistently that I should make some crazy cross-traffic maneuver on an enormous in-town expressway at night for no apparent reason other than perhaps that she really was trying to rub me out, as it were.
Now, I am a bit high-strung, and I don’t drive much, so take from that what you will — but still!
Somehow it seems like little plastic boxes that give directions should not induce panic.
webangel81
February 14, 2012
Wonderful! I love your blog! You are such an amazing writer, so shame on you for distracting me from what I really have to do….! 😉
createdtobeloved
February 14, 2012
Oh my goodness..my new favorite blog 🙂 Ha ha your so AWESOME! ❤
http://createdtobeloved.wordpress.com/
Happy Valentines Day 🙂
~Monica
Main Street Musings Blog
February 14, 2012
My voice tends to grow louder when I drink. Which leads me to believe your GPS has a drinking problem.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 14, 2012
Damn, that would also explain the random silences and the creepy feeling I get that there is unprotected sex going on inside the dashboard.
simonandfinn
February 14, 2012
This is very cute! Perfect opening pic & the comments and replies are funny too.. i.e. “unprotected sex going on inside the dashboard”. Brr!
Marie & KayLyn
February 22, 2012
The dear Lord forgot to give some of us a compass. I definitely missed that line and so did my sister.