When burying people up to their necks in sand and releasing ants to crawl all over their heads became passe, someone invented the colonoscopy. Colonoscopies are especially important for people over the age of 50 because it provides them with the need for something that no one ever told them about and which can’t be spelled anyway. And like childbirth, scary stories circulate about what is involved. Several years ago, Katie Couric tried to demystify the procedure by having one on national television. Thanks to her report, many thousands of people had colonoscopies. Many thousands of others fled to the Ural Mountains.
The day before Life in the Boomer Lane was scheduled to fly to London, she had one. She knows what you are thinking: How come she has all the fun? There are, indeed, just a couple of things that rival a colonoscopy prep. These include having your eyeballs extracted by a nutcracker, and wearing underpants made out of industrial strength sandpaper. For an entire day before the colonoscopy, only clear liquids can be consumed, along with pills and drinks that clean out one’s system. Water must be drunk in copious amounts. The literature LBL was given said, “Stay close to a bathroom.” This understatement was comparable to Napoleon being told to “Wear warm clothing” before he invaded Russia.
LBL felt that there was entirely too little fun in all that, so she managed to take the fun to the next level. She did this by straining her back the day before in Pilates class, but the pain waited until the afternoon of Prep Day to go into high gear. And, because Advil isn’t allowed to be taken, the pain was able to run amok and all the little pain receptors allowed to multiply almost as fast as the Duggars. So, all through the night, one part of her body was screaming “Hurry!” while another was screaming even more loudly “Don’t move!” A third part was making periodic forays into the bedroom to shriek “I can’t take this anymore!” at Now Husband. NH has the ability to remain sound asleep and still carry on intelligent conversations. So LBL heard a lot of “Oh you poor thing”s and “I wish there were something I could do for you”s between snores.
By the time 6AM rolled around, LBL began to obsess about anesthesia. At 8:30AM, when she arrived at the hospital, she was asked what procedure she was there for. “Back pain,” she said. LBL had forgotten about the colonoscopy. Unfortunately, they reminded her. The anesthesia was administered and the deed was done. LBL awoke five lbs lighter than she was 24 hours before, and her back pain had subsided. And she was euphoric that she had another ten years before she had to go through this again.
LBL mentioned to the nurse that she was getting on a plane early the next morning. “You can’t travel for three days she said. It was in the instructions.” LBL told her she was getting on the plane. She went to tell the doctor on me. LBL felt like she was back in elementary school and had just thrown a spit ball at Larry Harnick. She came back. “The doctor said it was in the instructions. No flying.” At least LBL wasn’t told she would miss recess. They negotiated back and forth a couple of times, until LBL felt like she was buying a used car. Finally, the nurse sighed audibly and gave up. She told LBL to drink copious amounts of water for the rest of the day, and then, when on the plane, keep drinking and walk around every twenty minutes. LBL agreed. LBL would have agreed to get on the plane in her surgical outfit (“Put this on with the opening in the back.”) just to get out of there.
LBL’s flight was uneventful. She drank little and stayed in her seat the entire six and a half hours. LBL knows she didn’t follow orders, but she didn’t care. The last place in the world she wanted to see was the the inside of another bathroom.
omawarisan
March 19, 2011
Would it have killed Dr. Harnick to add a “if youre going to fly” portion to the instructions? You should have spitballed him again. You could have used the anesthesia side effect defense.
Glad (and sorry) youre doing these. My time is nigh.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
I never considered that, the “anesthesia side effect defense.” Seems like we should get something for all that effort.
carldagostino
March 19, 2011
I had it done. Worse is the bladder picture one. No water for 24 hours then they do the first set. Then they send you out to drink water until your bladder is bursting for second set of pictures. I did that but still could not pee. So they said I could go home and wait until my bladder was bursting and they would do the pictures when I arrived. How did they expect me to go home, drive back, find a parking space, get in for pics all while my badder was bursting?I never went back and they told the doctor I was uncooperative and I told the doctor they were nuts.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
Oh, Carl, that sounds like torture. I seem to remember some test in the past where I had to drink a lot of water and then wait in the office. I didn’t. Why haven’t they invented that device on Star wars that just scans your body and gives you a diagnosis?
Alaina Mabaso
March 23, 2011
I am thrilled to be young enough not to face a colonoscopy for a few decades, but I know all about the horrendous world of urinary diagnostics. The whole diagnostic-procedure-best-done-under-a-very-full-bladder is its own little realm of medical hell. I reserve particular hatred for the physician’s assistant who, during a procedure in which I was catheterized to have my bladder filled to agony with saline from the outside in, informed me that I was not in pain but merely uncomfortable.
Sorry if this is TMI – I just saw carldagostino’s comment above and had a flaring moment of hope that someone, somewhere knows my trails. By the way, Renee, your blog’s great – high volume of quality stuff with admirable range – glad I found it on Freshly Pressed.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 23, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and for subscribing! I’m so sorry you are going through this at such a young age. And I know some doctors’ bedside manner leaves much to be desired. I always think doctors can do whatever they want with me, if they put me to sleep first. But I’ve had a couple tests where they couldn’t do that. I had a respiratory function test once that scared me, because they sealed off my nose covered my face, and then put a breathing apparatus in my mouth. I immediately got claustrophobic. When I exhibited signs of agitation, the nurse said, “If you stop this procedure, we’ll just have to start all over.” Great. I hope your trials are at an end!
Lisa Kramer
March 19, 2011
I think I’m speechless. Why exactly do we do these things to ourselves?
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
So we can have more years in the nursing home.
1959duke
March 19, 2011
I have had several. The prep is the worst part. The procedure itself is no big deal. I have to get those every 3 years or so.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
Yes, the procedure is nothing. But the prep-ugh. Every three years! That’s awful. They told me ten.
planejaner
March 19, 2011
Oh, Renee–
too funny.
I love how the stuff they give you to drink is called “GoLytely”
har.
glad you but it…behind you. (aren’t I funny?)
blessings
jane
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
I think mine was called “Clear the Room.” Yes, you ARE funny.
Patricia
March 19, 2011
As my Granma Rose would have said, “They can put a man on the moon… but they can’t find a better way to check out your septic tank.”
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
Granma Rose was a wise woman, indeed.
writerwoman61
March 19, 2011
I’m sorry this is such a pain in the ass (pun intended), Renée, but I’m glad you’re getting colonoscopies done regularly. My paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather both died from colon cancer in the 1980’s.
I didn’t know about the “no flying” rule…
Have a wonderful time on your trip, and please give Sunshine a hug for me!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
Thanks, Wendy! Sunshine and I met for breakfast this morning. We were at the restaurant almost three hours! I had totally lost track of time. It was absolutely wonderful, and many hugs were exchanged. When I got back to my daughter’s flat, she thought I had fallen off the earth.
Yes, I make jokes about the colonoscopy, but colon cancer is a very real issue and I would never not do it (Is that grammatically correct?). We are all lucky that so many tests are available to us now, that save us from the fate that so many have had in the past. Do you have to get colonoscopies more often because of your family history?
writerwoman61
March 19, 2011
I haven’t crossed that bridge yet, Renée, but my turn is coming…I turn 50 this summer. I’ll have to see what my doctor recommends…I’d rather err on the side of caution!
Glad you and Sunshine had a great time! Have fun with Jonah and Yael!
Wendy
merrilymarylee
March 19, 2011
HOLY COW! You sure know how to have a good time, Girlfriend!
The DAY after??? Good grief.
How’s the back? Your trip sounded like a really special visit. Don’t overdo!!!!
(Pilates will probably not be contacting you for a personal testimonial.)
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
I’m laughing about your Pilates comment. You are sure right about that one!
sunshineinlondon
March 19, 2011
You are too funny, Renee! I’m glad you didn’t choose to travel in one of those hospital gowns, it would have been very cold to arrive in London like that! Great that you got the all clear … you’ll have to find some other kind of fun for the next ten years. 🙂
SO lovely to meet you, my friend! I loved loved loved our breakfast together!
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
March 19, 2011
I could have sat there all day. It was wonderful–so comfortable. Next visit, we shall meet up again! Yes, I suspect there will be many more adventures in the next 10 years, until my next colonoscopy!
Katybeth
March 19, 2011
Well, now don’t you feel better that is over! 🙂
I love the instructions to drink lots of water while you are flying…what planet is that nurse from…between the beverage cart, the lines, and the captains admonishment to keep your seat belt on… you are lucky if you make it to the bathroom once!
Hope your back feels better and you are having a good trip.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 20, 2011
Right, and I had a window seat, even more of an inducement to stay put. Even more of a reason to stay put. Thank goodness, my back is fine now. Jonah can walk steps now, so the need for lifting and carrying him (33 lbs) is greatly reduced.
Lori
March 20, 2011
I love it when someone makes a dismal event funny!! Hope you are having a great trip!! Safe return! Lori
lifeintheboomerlane
March 20, 2011
Thanks, Lori! Yes, why is it that some of the most frustrating events make the best humor?
Hippie Cahier
March 20, 2011
I would have commented sooner, but it’s hard to find wi-fi here in the Ural Mountains.
I’m glad you got there safely. Enjoy the visit!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 20, 2011
Thanks, Hippie. But don’t tell anyone else where you are, or Nurse Ratchett will come and hunt you down.
Tori Nelson
March 20, 2011
Oh your poor booty!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 20, 2011
My booty is recovered, and I’m enjoying London. Now I have a ten year respite before having to go through this again. hurray!
The Good Greatsby
March 21, 2011
Doesn’t sound pleasant. I’m going to ask my doctor whether I even need a colon because if they’re that much trouble I’m not sure I want one.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 21, 2011
Good plan. But don’t ask him to eliminate the : one. That one is useful and rarely needs a purge.
Walker
March 21, 2011
After I got over the whole experience and the bruises from faulty iv placements, I actually felt lighter and so much ‘cleaner’… odd isn’t it? My second one will be next year, hope I remember the weight loss benefits.
I can’t imagine why you scheduled the 2 big events so close together, but mixing pain with pleasure does help sometimes!! And, the no-flying bit? Who knew! Glad you persevered.
Enjoy, enjoy.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 21, 2011
Ugh, I had a faulty IV placement after a surgery once. Yes, I did lose several lbs and have been celebrating ever since by eating non-stop. I have to Google that no-fly thing but since I have another 10 years until the next one, I will have forgotten all about that. Good luck on yours next year!
36x37
March 21, 2011
“Thanks to her report, many thousands of people had colonoscopies. Many thousands of others fled to the Ural Mountains.” So funny.
Such a funny post, Renee! I honestly think there’s not a more disgusting liquid on the planet than that stuff they make you drink as part of the prep. Gack.
So glad you’re fine and your trip went (or is still going?) well!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 21, 2011
The trip is great. Such fun being a besotted grandma and having all this time with my grandson. I love the word “gack.”
Fragrant Liar
March 22, 2011
Oh, I do remember quite fondly when I had my colonoscopy. Yes yes, fun indeed. And riveting just before the lights went out. Thankfully, the lights went out.
Sadly, I had no husband to assuage my pre-procedure terrors. Probably just as well. Someone may have been required to experience equal torture.
(sigh)
lifeintheboomerlane
March 22, 2011
UGH! You, too, could have had a husband express his compassion while being sound asleep. But it was good thaere was someone else in the house, especially when I imagined having to go to the emergency room for my back, all the while experiencing the effects of the purge drink. UGH again.
StephanieinSuburbia
March 22, 2011
Ok, I will now be forced to stop using “I had to do an advanced gestational diabetes test while 6 months pregnant, starved for 12 hours, and poked every hour by a tech who didn’t believe my veins were difficult to be found.”
Because though I look like I’d gone a few rounds with a prize-fighter, at least I wasn’t violated before a cross-Atlantic flight.
Advantage: you!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 22, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Stephanie. And hey, here’s my thoughts on that: Pregnancy always trumps anything. That’s because years from now, people will still want to hear about your travails. No one wants to hear about colonoscopy issues at social gatherings. I still talk about my 45 hours of labor with my first child. And will continue to do so until he formally apologizes.
Amanda Hoving
March 22, 2011
Oh no, no, no. I have NO questions!
😉
lifeintheboomerlane
March 22, 2011
Gosh, and here I wanted to answer a whole bunch of them!
Emily Jane
March 23, 2011
Oh my goodness, what an ordeal. I’m sorry you had to go through all this, but happy to see you come out the other side with a smile on your face – and rewards don’t come much better than in the form of London 🙂 Hope you’re enjoying your trip!
Thomas
March 23, 2011
I’ve been putting this off. Is the procedure itself really no big deal?
lifeintheboomerlane
March 23, 2011
Don’t put it off! It’s too important. The purge is really yucky, as you can imagine. But the procedure itself is nothing. You’ll either be given general anesthesia or that conscious sedation that makes you feel like you are at a love in in the 60s. Either way, you will have no discomfort and you’ll wake up feeling like nothing was done to you. Easy!
territerri
March 24, 2011
Oooh, you make it sound SO exciting! I can’t wait to have mine! I’m especially looking forward to the part where I’m not allowed to go home until I’ve farted in front of other people. That should be FUN!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 26, 2011
Seriously? They make you do that? Then I must have farted while under. They didn’t make me do it after I woke up.
36x37
March 24, 2011
Wow, congrats on the NPR shortlist! That’s incredible, Renee! I think your fabulous, so I’m glad to hear NPR agrees. When do they make a final decision? If you win, will you get to read your story on the air?
36x37
March 24, 2011
Ha! Glad to see I’ve left this comment on the wrong post. Gah!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 26, 2011
That’s great. If anyone reads these comments they will wonder what the hell you are talking about. Or they will assume I am going to tell my colonoscopy story on NPR.
pearlsandprose
March 24, 2011
This was hilarious. I had a colonoscopy last year and the prep was indeed horrible. If it makes you feel any better, they filled me up with gas so they could get a “better look,” since I have colon cancer in my family. I felt like I was in labor for hours after I woke up. Could not have gotten on a plane the next day!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 24, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane. Oh. My. god. I don’t even want to think about that. No. No. No.
Allison
March 28, 2011
Yay. Something to look forward to. I think I’d rather give birth again than do that. Or lactate. Or anything else but that.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 28, 2011
Believe it or not, the prep part does keep getting easier. They used to make people drink gallons of nasty stuff. But the purge, itself, is uh, something that can’t be improved.
Karl
October 13, 2011
I’m going in for my 2nd scope today. Thanks for the laughs…. Uh oh – time to run to the bathroom! Ta Ta!
lifeintheboomerlane
October 13, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane, Karl. And all the best with the scope!